hey, you've got to hide your love away

IDK my BFF Darrell Yarbrough.

2007-08-27T15:19:01Z

Went to Elsik today. Everyone looks so small to me. Haha!

I saw Yarbrough in the hall, but I didn't want to get him just yet. So I noticed the marquees hadn't been changed so I stopped and stared at You Can't Take It With You. Next thing I know, I hear --

"There she is!"
I looked up, and Yarbrough was smiling ear-to-ear, "Hey, Roxana Rosana Danna!" And he hugged me tightly. <333

He asked what I was doing there, I said seeing people. And then he told me that he watched the little video I made for him (at the end of last year), and I was like, "Really?"
"Well, you said I could watch it whenever I needed it."
"Oh, you needed it?"
And he gave me a knowing smile. And I could tell...something had been wrong. And he had watched it to remind himself how much he means to me. And we just smiled at each other for a second.

Then I said, "I'm glad you kept it. I thought you would've lost it or thrown it away."
"No. Some of the pictures I'd like to throw away...!"
I laughed, "You know you love me!"
And we smiled.

Later, when I was about to leave, I saw him wandering in the halls. And I told him I was out, and we hugged again and he asked if I had any classes today.
"I already had them!"
"You did?"
"8 o'clock in the morning!"
"You are a killer!"
LOL. I told him I'd see him later. :)

I'm so glad he watched what I made him. *tear* I got teary-eyed on my way home. I'm so glad he appreciated it and thought of me, and watched it and put pictures of me on his computer. And...the best of all... I love how he smiled at me, like he was expecting me, but was still just as excited as if he wasn't. <3

Now I'm home. I'm gonna try to stay awake so I can sleep really well tonight. Although I'll prolly miss out on talking to Juan, and I like talking to Juan. I think every time we talk, he tells me more and more why he likes talking to me. I can't remember what he said today, but it was sweet. :) The crappy part, however, is that I think I'm starting to like him...

He will always be my bestest friend ever. No one will ever change that.

pathetic.

2007-08-26T02:58:03Z

I hate when Mom's not home. Without her around, Dad gets drunker and angrier and he asks ME to do shit for him. And then he yells and cusses at me for no reason. It's like he fails to realize that I don't know Spanish and therefore cannot understand him or talk to him. Fucking idiot.
It makes me feel so small and stupid that, after all these years of tolerating his shit and watching him abuse us, he can still make me cry. I feel so fucking pathetic for that. What am I, 5? This is ridiculous.

UGH. I'm almost fucking 19 years old, and I still feel like a fucking child. High school didn't get me to grow up, my dad didn't get me to grow up, so when the fuck is it gonna happen? I'm so tired of letting people get to me like this. And it's not even like my dad and I have a bond or anything, which is why I'm so upset that he can hurt me over nothing -- NOTHING.

But that's me for you. Always crying over spilled milk. So fucking pathetic. I can't wait to get out of here.

"I must be growing up. Nothing else could hurt this much."
-The Sleeping Dragon.

Mr. Hall told me this quote my sophomore year. I realized I have a tendency to not understand things fully until I experience something a lot like it. Today is the day for this quote.

Please come find her,
And hold her close to you,
And be aware of the fact that
it is you she refuses to lose,
Make her smile, make her laugh,
Tell the stories you would tell,
But then...what kind of hero would you be
if you tried to save her from herself?

I wish he could see this. Not my dad. But him.

at least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head.

2007-08-23T14:59:02Z

I got very sad last night as I tried to sleep. Because I feel like these last few days before the beginning of college are my last days as a child. And with my birthday around the corner, it seals the deal.

I kinda teared up last night, thinking about my birthday. This is supposed to be my golden year. 19 on the 19th. But so far, it's been bronze. And there is less than a month to make things better.
Luckily, there are some exciting things happening in September. Foo Fighters perform at the VMAs on the 9th, which is GREAT! Across the Universe starts on the 14th, and its' soundtrack is released on the 18th. :) So I hope that makes things better.
I love Foo Fighters. I feel like they see my life and write it into songs. And then they appear in September! Last time I went to their concert, it was one week before my birthday. And now they're gonna perform, 10 days before it. :) I love them. I hope they make things better...

Nothing's gonna change my world...nothing's gonna change my world.

I find myself singing these lyrics randomly. And I realize how ironic it is, since college is starting.

whos that girl?

2007-08-22T22:43:37Z

There were places we would go at midnight
There were secrets that nobody else would know
There's a reason but I don't know why
I don't know why
I don't know why
I thought they all belonged to me

Who's that girl?
Where's she from?
No she can't be the one
That you want
That has stolen my world
It's not real, it's not right
It's my day, it's my night
By the way
Who's that girl living my life?

OH SHIT.
RIGHT when I was about to type, Gallas calls. Eek. I'm on the phone with her...
AND now we hung up. Wow. Awkward. Weird. Everything in between. She wanted to know what was going on with college and such. Eesh.
It would've been easier to talk to her, if I didn't lose so much respect after her harassment about Speech & Debate...but it was nice of her to call. I'm surprised she kept my number.

Soooo I'm home, doing nothing. Putting new music and pics on my iPod. :D
Sara and I are heading to HCC and then lunch tomorrow, so I'm gonna drop off my application then. I hope they hire me. It'll save me lots of trouble. And I don't want that job at HCC. I just don't...because their hours won't let me see Yarb like I want to.

Oh! Forgot to mention...I got my Chris Benoit DVD the other day. I haven't watched it. I think I'm afraid to.

Today is a lazy day :). Which is good, 'cause summer was busy these past 4 weeks. It's nice to have things slow down before school. Even though I'm FUCKING nervous!! Mathew says I have nothing to worry about, though he is kinda worried about me. But of course he would be 'cause he's my big, protective brother. :) But I love him for it.

I wish something would come along and depress me, so I could lose weight. But I guess I should take that back. Last time I wished something horrible, it happened and I cried for 3 weeks.

left a good job down in tha cit-ay.

2007-08-21T22:34:46Z

I saw my best friend today. :) I've missed Yarb, even though I saw him last week. But I shall start at the beginning --

I picked up Iramaj, and we went to Elsik. I walked by Yarb's room, but it was dark and he wasn't inside. As Iramaj asked for his diploma a few seconds later, I noticed Yarb walk into his room! I ran up and when I opened the door, I saw him staring at my senior pictures *heartwarming*. He looked at me and gave me that killer smile, "Hey!" We hugged and I asked how the Speech and Debate stuff went, he said good. And he said he was trying to figure out which picture to tape to his computer. **heartwarming**. He said they were great pics, I said she was a great photographer. He finally concluded that he'd have to tape 2, because it was hard to choose. :) He picked the one of me in my prom dress, and the one where I'm at the fence (he said I look like a model in that one). :D Then we hugged again and I took off.

I ran into Ms. Hennette on the way out. She told me to stop by sometime this week to come see her, so I said I would. Iramaj and I grabbed lunch at Whataburger, and then I headed to Kohl's to find a dress. (Beti had called and said the lady at HCC wanted to interview me today.) Then we went to West Oaks, where after searching and running to Giselle and Nadia, I found a cute little black dress. :)

Dropped off Iramaj, and then got ready. The interview was hardly an interview, and I'm not too crazy about the shifts. So on my way home, I picked up an application from Bed, Bath & Beyond. Luckily, they try to be flexible with schedules.

Now I'm home, chillin. It's been a long day, but it went fast.

I talk to Juan every night. Sometimes I'm bored with him, but sometimes he cracks me up. He's my "fucktard" and I'm his"moron." It's great, only he and I understand it.

Really really really wanna work at BB&B.

I've missed Yarb. I'll try and see him again later this week, since school begins Monday. *sigh* I know this sounds dumb, but sometimes I feel like I dated Yarb and therefore, no one I will ever meet in the future will live up to him. Pretty creepy, huh?

in a world of my own.

2007-08-20T21:13:38Z

Oy vey. I am definitely worried about my sleeping schedule. I hope I can get back on track before Friday...EEK!!!

Took Jess to work today. I was pissed at Mom, so my driving was crazy. Plus, I was very tired. I'd only gone to sleep 2 hours beforehand. Eep.

Lupita is taking me to Beti's tonight, so I can fill out the application and then print it, since our printers don't work.
Of course, in my fantasy, I'll go to Beti's house and find my new car, hidden in her garage. But...I doubt it. I really wish I had a new one though. I don't trust the Integra, especially since both HCCs are so far from home...

So blah. Sitting at home, doing nothing. My birthday is in less than a month, and all I want is money. (And Foo Fighters tickets...even though I should probably look into it and find out if/when they're coming.)
*pout* I remember last time they came to town, Matthew was the one who gave me the heads up. He was so sweet.

I was thinking about him last night. I miss the old Matthew, the Matthew I fell in love with.
Not this drunk, sex-crazed asshole who only contacts me when he wants something. It's hard to believe he went from being so sweet to so...different. I miss my Matthew, the one I could call and tell about my day. The one I could cry to, laugh with, and fall asleep next to.
If I could find someone who is like Matthew used to be, that'd be it, it's sealed.

Well...I guess I'll charge my iPod, import more songs and then surf.

Life is much more tolerable when you wake up for someone.

i will feel a glow just thinking of you.

2007-08-20T00:47:03Z

I would love to be one of those girls who can come home and update her journal with 'love love love' and 'boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend.' I'd love to.
Unfortunately, there is a limited supply of happiness on Earth, and everyone who has it now will have it forever.
I doubt there's a waiting list. 'Cause if so, I've been waiting so long, my happiness will be free.
HA!

Went to Memorial City Mall, and met up with Jess, Gabe and Dagan. :) We walked around the mall, shopping and talking about whatever. Some bitch pissed Gabe off but my iPod made him feel much better. Some lady at Victoria's Secret measured me, but I seriously think she was wrong because when I tried the size she said, the thing was HUGE!!
And I was also disappointed to discover that I've gained 12 pounds since February. DAMMIT!!
I have GOT to start taking those pills.

Then I took Lupita some lunch, which I was not happy about because I wanted to shop more. But whatev. Then I bought me some munchies and ate.

And now I wait. Iramaj wants to go see a movie, and I invited Lupita, so we're waiting for her to get off work.
I'm tired, but not sleepy-tired. I wish I'd have done more shopping but oh well. At least I have money left over.

I really want my new camera for my birthday. I really, really do...

ya know...

2007-08-18T19:52:56Z

...So I started writing this long, drawn-out entry about how I'm content and how everything is gonna change. But ugh, it was boring, so I deleted it.

Mike's trying to fix my car, and Dad isn't home til tonight, which means no shopping anytime soon. :( And if I don't get to go later tonight, then I will tomorrow morning. But I really wanted to go today! And get out of this house!

Erm, not much else is going on. I start school in a week - GROSS. Kinda nervous, remotely excited. And I need to lose weight. But I'm on the rag, so that's nixed for another couple days. And I fucking hate new AIM, I dunno how to send pics.

...Yep, that's pretty much it. Oh, but I learned how to photoshop wings onto people! Haha, I rule.

Well, it's bound to be another day of boredom. I might as well get started.

I would like a boyfriend.

GRRARGH.

2007-08-17T05:25:12Z

I fucking hate when I ask a simple, harmless question and I get an attitude reply.
Fucking hate it. Damn!

I'm still up. Kinda waiting for Iramaj to call. Sometimes I wonder why I forgave him for what he did.
He single-handedly ruined my relationship last summer, and caused me to endure a downfall of drugs and alcohol.
But...I guess he didn't FORCE me to get drunk and high.
But still. If he would've minded his own business, maybe things wouldn't have been so bad in the end.

I want to cut and dye my hair. But what color? What length?
Starting research...now.

ETA::::::::::::::::::::::::

Derrgh. Mom frustrates me so fucking much sometimes.
But I will admit - in the end, sometimes I feel bad. Times like these, I hate envisioning her funeral. I feel like I'll lie about everything when I speak of her.
Speaking of her funeral...the other night, I dreamt that Mom died, and living with my dad wasn't fitting, so Chris Jericho & Chris Benoit tried to adopt me. :) ...But Jericho was black. So that was weird.

Bought frames for my pics, fina-fucking-lly. So I think I'll get started on assembling it all.
I MUST shop tomorrow. Tax free? New everything!

eventful-less.

2007-08-17T02:40:28Z

I found this lovely Tommy/Kimberly site last night. LOVE them! They made Power Rangers lovable. :D
I want to start a 'book group - The First OTP I Shipped was Tommy & Kimberly.
Hahah! Dorko.

Roxie had her troubles today. Not cool. At some points, I had to out-loud exclaim words because I was so shocked.
Bad things. Good people. Why do these components mix all the fucking time?
But I'm there for her. We may not talk as much as we did before she got with Richie, but I'm there for her.

Visited Jamari at his job. Brownie Madness ice cream = heaven must be missing an angel.

I really want to frame my senior pics, but Mom keeps putting it off. UGH. She loves Beti more, why am I surprised.
I really love my pics! And I don't mean to sound concieted but I like them because I actually look like a human being!
Or, as Yarb said, a model. :P

I wonder if I'll get the job. Maybe it won't be so bad. I just hope I can put up with people easier than I did at Collina's.
Luckily, no food involved this time.

I really wanted to watch Nancy Grace tonight, but Mike Brooks was filling in.
I hate when people fill in for her, the show is less fun. :( Nothing against Mike Brooks though. He's always cool 'cause he always agrees with her.

And we say good night.